The final installment in our glorious "Chuck Norris Family Film Night" was 1992's Sidekicks. By this point, Top Dog had melted my brain, and I think I had drool sliding down my chin as I gawked at the images dancing around on the sceen. My comprehension facilities had taken a permanent backseat to the terrible films at hand. It reminded me of those all-day video game marathons my friends and I used to have as kids – at the end, we thought we had gone cross-eyed. Such is the mental toll exacted up on us so that we can bring you terrible film reviews.Before I get started, I have a confession to make – I saw Sidekicks during its initial theatrical run. I don't remember what appealed to me about it and allowed Kerasotes Theaters to pry hard-earned allowance out of my sweaty palms. It might have been my love for bad action movies, or just that my friends and I were bored hanging around the mall one weekend. The fact remains that I was one of ten other people in the United States who viewed Sidekicks on a big screen.
Barry Gabrewski (the departed Jonathan Brandeis of Seaquest fame) is a scrawny, weak, asthmatic high school kid who spends his days drifting off in class and dreaming about Chuck Norris – more specifically, he fantasizes about starring alongside Chuck in classic bad action fare like Missing in Action and The Octagon. These fantasy asides are amazing in their stupidity; he and Norris battle everything from ninjas to Vietcong to cheesy '80s punk gangs. In a way, this could almost make Sidekicks into a post-modern '80s action film that takes its cheese and homoerotic subtexts with a self-aware grain of salt.
As one can expect, Barry's fantasies lead him to the receiving end of some ole'-fashioned bullying from his peers. It's not too surprising, considering that "Barry-Warry" is prone to calling out for his hero in the middle of class lectures. He tries to enroll in Joe Piscopo's karate class, only to be turned down due to his weakness and his affinity for all things Norris. Actually, this leads to one of the best scenes in the film – Piscopo, who looks like a vein is about to break out of his gigantic neck, rants and raves against Chuck in a grandiose spectacle of scenery-chewing.
Barry's life begins to change when his teacher (Rambo's girlfriend from First Blood Part II, whose English seems to me MUCH improved on this go-round) introduces him to her grandfather (Mako, the mystical wizard from Conan), who is your typical wise Asian stereotype. The plot is predictable - under his tutelage, Barry is able to learn elite karate skills that allow him to stand up to the bullies at school, impress his R. Lee Ermey-esque gym teacher (Bull from Night Court) and woo Winnie Cooper from The Wonder Years. Sidekicks culminates in a major karate tournament where Chuck Norris conveniently joins Barry's team to fulfill the necessary quote of competitors. Oh, and he also beats up Joe Piscopo.
Sidekicks is one of scads of kids' films that takes a plot, tweaks it slightly, then passes it off as a new movie, hoping its audience are too young and / or stupid to notice. Keep in mind that this movie was released about a decade before remakes became accepted practice in Hollywood, so they had to be slyer about their reusing back then. It's got the same hoary, tired tropes – work hard to persevere, dreams can come true, fantasy has its place in life, the nerd gets the girl. What really separates it from the pack is that this one features Chuck Norris and Joe Piscopo's inhuman neck veins, which should receive billing unto themselves.
Is this movie work your $2?:
If you're a dedicated bad action movie / Chuck Norris fan, if you wonder what became of Rambo's girlfriend and Winnie Cooper, or if you are one of the few who have childhood memories of it, then Sidekicks is for you.
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