Why do you watch bad movies? If you watch them because you like seeing grown adults make fools of themselves, then today we've got the film for you! The pitch is simple and irresistible for bad movie fans - Chuck Norris is out to kick logger ass for mother Earth. This one would make an appropriate double feature with Seagal's two eco-revenge films, On Deadly Ground and Fire Down Below. Nonetheless, we choose to view it as a part of a three film endurance test we called "Chuck Norris Family Film Night," which also included Top Dog and Sidekicks. All three films films were directed by Chuck's brother, Arron Norris, who never learned the art of pacing in film school.
I'm assuming that this film was on a direct route to Blockbuster video shelves, as it was a follow-up to career-low Top Dog, a film where the biggest crime was making high school chess tournaments and televised bowling look exciting. How did the brothers Norris make up for this lapse in judgment? Did they make Delta Force 3? Missing in Action IV? The much-needed and never realized Invasion USA sequel? Nope - Forest Warrior.
We at Cinematic Feces are aware that in real-life, Norris is indeed a true martial arts master, so this next career move seems even stranger. Freshly-mulleted and wearing a "white man at the pow-wow" leather suit complete with tassels, it is nearly impossible to watch Norris in this film without laughter. At the same time, Forest Warrior offers us more than just a family film starring one of cinema's greatest white badasses - it is also an Earth First eco-defense training video!
The main characters are Oregon kids in the fictional town of Tanglewood, who have formed what basically amounts to an Earth-worshiping cult, complete with a bizarre pagan idol that would be at home in one of those Italian Indiana Jones rip-offs. All hell breaks loose when they camp on the mountain, and the loggers decide to shoot a baby bear they have made friends with as well as dynamite the kids' tree house (?!) . The kids go on to commit acts of economic sabotage and come close to murdering the head of a local timber company.
Help against the loggers comes from mountain man Jebediah McKenna (whatta name), played by Norris. At one point, an eagle flies down from the sky into the face of a hapless logger, then morphs into a mid-jump kick Norris, who finishes up by kicking him in the teeth. A pretty convoluted and boring flashback explains that Chuck's spirit protects the mountain - ah, if only every mountain had its own Norris. Oh, yes - he can also morph into a giant brown bear.
The cast features an array of crappy character actors. Most notable is Michael Beck (The Warriors, Megaforce and Xanadu), who tortures us with his portrayal of a drunk deadbeat dad (does he see the error of his ways at the end of the movie? Take a wild guess). We also get plastic surgery disaster Lorreta Swift, who is best remembered as Hot Lips from Mash (now she should be called "Weird Lips"), and William Sanderson from Newhart, Blade Runner and Fight For Your Life.
Is this worth your $2?:
Sweet mother of god, yes - there's a ton of excellence here for bad movie fans. Filmed outside of Portland, this is a strangely subversive, cheesy kids' film that is an unsung Norris classic.
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